Hi, Dad,
The sun is setting over the ocean right now. It's just beautiful. The water is glistening and the sand on the beach looks especially white. It would be nice and peaceful except you are so darn far away! I need my buddy to talk to and my shoulder to lean on. I miss that so much, Daddy. I have a hole in my heart now; it's been very slow to heal because I love you so much. I always listened for the carport door to open and to hear your voice talking to Mom. My heart always felt good when you were around. The house stayed repaired with your handyman quirky tricks, and it was protected and safe with your presence. I remember one afternoon when I was in about the fourth grade, you chased Chuck and me down the street. I was squealing and laughing both, half-scared out of my wits and knowing you were teasing us, too. Chuck wasn't any better than I was. It's scary to be chased, regardless of who's chasing you, huh.
You taught me how to dance so I wouldn't be a shumck at parties. One night when we were dancing at a friend's house, though, I got a little too smug, and you quietly said to me something along the lines of stop being a show-off. I was embarrassed. That you could do well, embarrass me. But you were right. I was feeling quite smug as we danced around.
You were always the one most tuned into me. You were kind to me the vast majority of the time, and you didn't blast me with questions or anger all at once. No, you would sit with me for awhile and shoot the bull about whatever. Sometimes we just watched TV, but sometimes we had our really good talks. You did give me good advice about lots of things even though you knew I wouldn't pay much attention, thinking I knew better. HA! But this definitely stuck: I'm a Republican and I don't like unions much...except teachers' unions, of course.
Spending those times with you was so wonderful. It was easy to trust you and to believe you could fix anything. You taught me to have FUN and to laugh. But you were also very private. I never knew what you were FEELING most of the time or what internal battles you were fighting: Inner demons; we all have them. But taking in everything I've known with you, the good far outweighs the not so good, and your love for me, the security I felt with you, has transferred easily to faith and love for God. He is my Father, too. Of all you have gifted to me, that has probably been the most valuable, for my faith in a loving, protective Father is what brings me security, love, and courage as I live on now one day at time. I am so glad YOU are my father. I love you. Marni
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
TWENTY-TWO YEARS OF THE BERING SEA.
Ohh, Marc, I miss you SO damned much!!! How can time fly so blasted fast until I have something I'm waitin' for; YOU during crab season on the Great Bering? Time takes on the personality of a slug. The second hand goes into slow motion, and the minutes drag out as if they were hours. I count the days over and over. Three months from today...9:00 a.m. Three months from today...noon. Three months from today...3:00, 5:00, 10:00, I'm thinking the same thing. I know this kind of thinking just makes it worse, but I can't seem to stop. All I can think about is having you by my side again, right here by the lighthouse, safe and sound wrapped up with me in a blanket.
Every season it's the same thing: I'm wondering if the boat's encountering weather, are you finding the crab, is the Arctic ice coming down too quickly, are you getting too caught up with the catch and getting into increasing danger? Are there any engine problems on the boat, or any injuries on deck? How high have the waves been that you've encountered, what storms, have you lost a line of pots? All of the "stuff" you and I have gone through over the years. I always dread the approach of the opening day of the season, and I'm always immensely happy when you're home. I used to ask myself, why can't you be happy with a "sane" career, Marc? But I no longer ask...not after the third year. I thought you'd wear out, that you would soon "have enough," but that has never happened. This life means everything to you. It's been 22 years. How much longer?
It was a double-edged sword when the kids were growing up. On the one hand, I was so busy most of the time, the preoccupation I suffer now, I didn't have time for then. On the other, I did wonder how we could live without you, them without a Dad and me a widow if anything were to happen to you. We just couldn't communicate often enough for me to be reassured.
I'm 40 and you're 43; plenty of time to start something new. We have the cash. You won't. I've done everything but hit you over the head to make you sit up and pay attention. You suddenly develop selective hearing.
Time to tear this one out of the notebook and throw it into the surf like the hundreds before it. I'll never be able to change you, and if I did, I probably wouldn't love you. You're rugged, tough, strong, fearless, and independent. You've spoiled me for anything else. God be with you, my love.
Always yours, always praying,
Elisse
Every season it's the same thing: I'm wondering if the boat's encountering weather, are you finding the crab, is the Arctic ice coming down too quickly, are you getting too caught up with the catch and getting into increasing danger? Are there any engine problems on the boat, or any injuries on deck? How high have the waves been that you've encountered, what storms, have you lost a line of pots? All of the "stuff" you and I have gone through over the years. I always dread the approach of the opening day of the season, and I'm always immensely happy when you're home. I used to ask myself, why can't you be happy with a "sane" career, Marc? But I no longer ask...not after the third year. I thought you'd wear out, that you would soon "have enough," but that has never happened. This life means everything to you. It's been 22 years. How much longer?
It was a double-edged sword when the kids were growing up. On the one hand, I was so busy most of the time, the preoccupation I suffer now, I didn't have time for then. On the other, I did wonder how we could live without you, them without a Dad and me a widow if anything were to happen to you. We just couldn't communicate often enough for me to be reassured.
I'm 40 and you're 43; plenty of time to start something new. We have the cash. You won't. I've done everything but hit you over the head to make you sit up and pay attention. You suddenly develop selective hearing.
Time to tear this one out of the notebook and throw it into the surf like the hundreds before it. I'll never be able to change you, and if I did, I probably wouldn't love you. You're rugged, tough, strong, fearless, and independent. You've spoiled me for anything else. God be with you, my love.
Always yours, always praying,
Elisse
Saturday, January 22, 2011
17-MILE DRIVE & BIG SUR, CA.
Journal: September 22, 2008 - Big Sur along Highway 1-California
My Beautiful Father,
I am always thinking of you, Abba.
I am so speechless at this view. I've been to 17-Mile Drive again and seen those gorgeous homes. I've spent my time wondering, what is that life like? The one that can afford a house like that, the one that affords a view of the ocean all of the time day or night, any season, the ocean in any of its moods. What must that be like? Do the people living in those homes, the rich, do they ever reach the point of taking their views of the sea for granted? Or are they continuously in awe of the panorama before them? What is it like when a storm comes in from the sea? Do they feel vulnerable? Afraid? Or when the thick fog comes rolling in every afternoon or evening? Do they know the highway so well that they can drive it even then? What must it be like? I wonder, do they know their neighbors? What kind of careers are affording these homes? What does a person do who lives along 17-Mile Drive?
The Big Sur is so beautiful from the very eerie cypress trees to the cliffs. The highway lays so close to the edges of the cliffs sometimes, that I never lose the thrill, a scary thrill for me, of being on the edges like that. I can look all the way down once in awhile, and I still catch my breath. It is so powerful and long a fall, should one fall.
Well, I'm just musing, Father. The sea is so beautiful this evening. So incredibly beautiful. Thank you for such a deeply moving gift of sight so that I may look out, way out, and see the horizon so far away. It's huge, the ocean, huge! And so powerful with so many mysteries under its surface, water founts and riptides to name a couple. It's a marvel to me, as are You, Father. You are a marvel to me. You are so generous with Your artist's hands. I love you so very much, for You are as beautiful, no, even more beautiful to me as I look at You with the eyes of my heart. Thank You for this glorious day, Father. Your Marni
“When I admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in worship of the Creator”
My Beautiful Father,
I am always thinking of you, Abba.
I am so speechless at this view. I've been to 17-Mile Drive again and seen those gorgeous homes. I've spent my time wondering, what is that life like? The one that can afford a house like that, the one that affords a view of the ocean all of the time day or night, any season, the ocean in any of its moods. What must that be like? Do the people living in those homes, the rich, do they ever reach the point of taking their views of the sea for granted? Or are they continuously in awe of the panorama before them? What is it like when a storm comes in from the sea? Do they feel vulnerable? Afraid? Or when the thick fog comes rolling in every afternoon or evening? Do they know the highway so well that they can drive it even then? What must it be like? I wonder, do they know their neighbors? What kind of careers are affording these homes? What does a person do who lives along 17-Mile Drive?
The Big Sur is so beautiful from the very eerie cypress trees to the cliffs. The highway lays so close to the edges of the cliffs sometimes, that I never lose the thrill, a scary thrill for me, of being on the edges like that. I can look all the way down once in awhile, and I still catch my breath. It is so powerful and long a fall, should one fall.
Well, I'm just musing, Father. The sea is so beautiful this evening. So incredibly beautiful. Thank you for such a deeply moving gift of sight so that I may look out, way out, and see the horizon so far away. It's huge, the ocean, huge! And so powerful with so many mysteries under its surface, water founts and riptides to name a couple. It's a marvel to me, as are You, Father. You are a marvel to me. You are so generous with Your artist's hands. I love you so very much, for You are as beautiful, no, even more beautiful to me as I look at You with the eyes of my heart. Thank You for this glorious day, Father. Your Marni
“When I admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in worship of the Creator”
Mahatma Gandhi quotes (Indian Philosopher, internationally esteemed for his doctrine of nonviolent protest, 1869-1948)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
FUN AT AVILA BAY
Hi Granny Kay,
Yesterday Daddy Mom Bobby and me went to Avila Beach. Its all just like you said. The ocean is as big as the eye can see. the waves are so much fun to play in. I can go out far enuf to where they brake over my head and throw me around and take me to the beach. Only thing I dont like is the seaweed that gets caught around my feet and it gets caught between my toes to. Its all slimy and it gives me the creeps.A long ways out I saw a big fish fin sticking out of the water and I paniked. I thot it was a shark and I went running thru the water to the beach screaming as loud as I could. I got mad and even more scared cuz the water wouldnt let me run very fast. Daddy saw me running and screaming. He came running out to me as fast as he could and picked me up out of the water. He said whats the matter Kiera? Whats wrong? Are you hurt? I said Daddy theres a shark. Its comin in. We have to warn everyone they have to get out of the water Hurry. He said wheres the shark? Where did you see it? I said out there and I pointed where.By now we got to the sand and I looked where I saw the fin. There were MORE I screamed again and I started to run to yell to everyone to get out of the water. Daddy caught my arm and said wait Kiera those arent sharks. They are dolfins. They are good fish they are really fun and smart. They swim together in groups like frends.I din't know about them. I only know shark fins. dolfin fins are like shark fins. Yeah they look a like said Daddy. But they are different from sharks. They dont hurt you. You can go back into the water and play.You know what I said Granny? I said I think Ill take a rest now, b/c I still din't like those fins. I wrapped up in a big towel and sat down on the other towel and just watched those fins. They finally went away. Then I got back in the water. You din't tell me about dolfins Granny.Bobby and me built a sand castle just like you said but then stupid Bobby went and kicked it all down. What a big mess. I wanted to hit him but Mom told me I coudnt. I hit him later but dont tell. He wouldnt cuz he thinks hes too big. He din't cry even.We picked up pretty sea shells and put them in a big jar to take home to remember everything. Then it got real cold cuz the wind started to blow over the ocean. So Mom and Daddy packed up everything and put it in the car. We went back to the motel. Bobby and me had a sanwich and potato chips and a coke and then we asked if we could go swimming in the pool. Mom said arent you tired yet and we said no. It was so much fun. There was a diving board and Bobby and me tried to dive better than the other. I won of corse. We got so tired. Mom made us take showers but I just wanted to go to sleep. We tried to watch TV but I fell asleep too soon.It was such a fun day Granny. But I feel real tired today. And ekcept for the dolfins the ocean was just like you said. I miss you granny. this trip is fun but I will be glad when we are home with you. I love you so much.
Yesterday Daddy Mom Bobby and me went to Avila Beach. Its all just like you said. The ocean is as big as the eye can see. the waves are so much fun to play in. I can go out far enuf to where they brake over my head and throw me around and take me to the beach. Only thing I dont like is the seaweed that gets caught around my feet and it gets caught between my toes to. Its all slimy and it gives me the creeps.A long ways out I saw a big fish fin sticking out of the water and I paniked. I thot it was a shark and I went running thru the water to the beach screaming as loud as I could. I got mad and even more scared cuz the water wouldnt let me run very fast. Daddy saw me running and screaming. He came running out to me as fast as he could and picked me up out of the water. He said whats the matter Kiera? Whats wrong? Are you hurt? I said Daddy theres a shark. Its comin in. We have to warn everyone they have to get out of the water Hurry. He said wheres the shark? Where did you see it? I said out there and I pointed where.By now we got to the sand and I looked where I saw the fin. There were MORE I screamed again and I started to run to yell to everyone to get out of the water. Daddy caught my arm and said wait Kiera those arent sharks. They are dolfins. They are good fish they are really fun and smart. They swim together in groups like frends.I din't know about them. I only know shark fins. dolfin fins are like shark fins. Yeah they look a like said Daddy. But they are different from sharks. They dont hurt you. You can go back into the water and play.You know what I said Granny? I said I think Ill take a rest now, b/c I still din't like those fins. I wrapped up in a big towel and sat down on the other towel and just watched those fins. They finally went away. Then I got back in the water. You din't tell me about dolfins Granny.Bobby and me built a sand castle just like you said but then stupid Bobby went and kicked it all down. What a big mess. I wanted to hit him but Mom told me I coudnt. I hit him later but dont tell. He wouldnt cuz he thinks hes too big. He din't cry even.We picked up pretty sea shells and put them in a big jar to take home to remember everything. Then it got real cold cuz the wind started to blow over the ocean. So Mom and Daddy packed up everything and put it in the car. We went back to the motel. Bobby and me had a sanwich and potato chips and a coke and then we asked if we could go swimming in the pool. Mom said arent you tired yet and we said no. It was so much fun. There was a diving board and Bobby and me tried to dive better than the other. I won of corse. We got so tired. Mom made us take showers but I just wanted to go to sleep. We tried to watch TV but I fell asleep too soon.It was such a fun day Granny. But I feel real tired today. And ekcept for the dolfins the ocean was just like you said. I miss you granny. this trip is fun but I will be glad when we are home with you. I love you so much.
hugs and kisses, kiera
| “Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression". Dr. Haim Ginott quotes, thinkexist.com | |
| “The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.” Plato quotes (Ancient Greek Philosopher He was the world's most influential philosopher. B428C-348 BC) |
Monday, September 20, 2010
MEMORIES SENT TO IRAQ
My Handsome Soldier Babe,
I miss you like CRAZY!!!! You better be missing me, too, and dreaming about me while you're propped up against a humvee.(sp?)
I was at Sugar and Papa's house the last couple of days. It was bittersweet. I love their home, so elegant, out on that knoll over-looking Monterrey Bay.
The sight of the ocean drew me out on the grounds. Naturally, I walked to the place where we stood, making our marriage vows to each other. The cypress trees are exactly the same, my love. Not a branch has changed.
I felt the ocean breeze and smelled the sea salt on it. It felt cool and fresh, and I was glad I had a sweater to throw over my shoulders. I watched the waves roll in and recede in their rhythmic way.
I was glad it was a calm day that softly filled me with an inner calm that is so rare. I only feel my emotions so calm when I watch the vast and timeless sea, and the waves that are limited by the shore. The water glistens under the light of the sun. The rocks glisten, too. The caves and recesses formed by the rocks are dark. They stir my imagination.
How far back do they go, the ones that look like caves? How deep is the water? Are there creatures dwelling there that would slither under our feet, or is the water shallow? If it's deep and we were swimming there with a snorkel and goggles, would some creature come up suddenly right in front of our faces, scaring the snorkel right out of my mouth as I would instinctively cry out with surprise and fear? I decided right then and there as I was meditating on these things, that I would never, ever go into those waters, not even with you!
By now the sun was beginning to descend to the ocean's horizon. We had changed clothes for the reception and I had forgotten my thong, remember? It was a strange sensation to be standing there on the knoll in this condition and not laying on a bed...but it felt kind of sexy, too. I believe you thought so too, if memory serves me right, lol.
We looked at the pathway of the sunset and its heavenly colors cast straight from the horizon to us. We joked about it. We were musing about that path in "pretend" mode. Here we are now; then come our kids and careers, then come the grand kids, then comes retirement, and then, at the horizon, comes the "elderly ages". We laughed as we pictured ourselves lacking in hair and wearing dentures. We would be leaning on each other, stooped and walking slowly as we went to the dining room to eat dinner at the retirement home.
Then we turned serious. We wondered which of us would die first. We swore to each other that neither of us would be able to bear the loss of the other and have to live with that void in our life until our own death. We decided we were being maudlin. We kissed and held each other tight, and then, in the dark night as the sun had finished its decent behind the horizon, we turned to the merriment of loud voices and the music for the dancers. The mood was contagious, so holding hands, we jogged to the veranda to join the merry-makers.
Only two weeks into our marriage, you received your orders for deployment to Iraq. We knew when we married that this was a probability. Then it didn't have the reality of the actual impact of receiving those orders. It felt like a cruel joke.
Should I write to you like this, baby? Do these memories increase your loneliness and dangerously distract you from your job? Or do they make you happy and secure, knowing that I am here waiting for you, ready to pick up where we left off: passionate lovers, partners in our marriage, and best friends? Even our "skirmishes" were short-lived. We fought it out, then talked it out, then kissed it out, and tried never to go to bed angry.
My memories are always with me, but they are tinged with fear. "What if"s? Then I remember all of the prayers going up to cover you, made by those who love us, and I am reminded that God's love surrounds you, and that you "dwell in the shadow of the Almighty." You must see these things, too, so that your confidence and faith remain strong, and your courage in this war will not let you be vulnerable to the enemy.
You are my life, baby, and all of my desires for the future are founded on you. You are my now, my tomorrow, and my eternity. I will never let you go from my heart, not even for a minute, babe. Until I write again, or until I receive a call from you, I will trust in the Lord for our life when we are back together again. I am trusting every minute that He is protecting you. I love you with all of my heart.
Always yours,
A.
I miss you like CRAZY!!!! You better be missing me, too, and dreaming about me while you're propped up against a humvee.(sp?)
I was at Sugar and Papa's house the last couple of days. It was bittersweet. I love their home, so elegant, out on that knoll over-looking Monterrey Bay.
The sight of the ocean drew me out on the grounds. Naturally, I walked to the place where we stood, making our marriage vows to each other. The cypress trees are exactly the same, my love. Not a branch has changed.
I felt the ocean breeze and smelled the sea salt on it. It felt cool and fresh, and I was glad I had a sweater to throw over my shoulders. I watched the waves roll in and recede in their rhythmic way.
I was glad it was a calm day that softly filled me with an inner calm that is so rare. I only feel my emotions so calm when I watch the vast and timeless sea, and the waves that are limited by the shore. The water glistens under the light of the sun. The rocks glisten, too. The caves and recesses formed by the rocks are dark. They stir my imagination.
How far back do they go, the ones that look like caves? How deep is the water? Are there creatures dwelling there that would slither under our feet, or is the water shallow? If it's deep and we were swimming there with a snorkel and goggles, would some creature come up suddenly right in front of our faces, scaring the snorkel right out of my mouth as I would instinctively cry out with surprise and fear? I decided right then and there as I was meditating on these things, that I would never, ever go into those waters, not even with you!
By now the sun was beginning to descend to the ocean's horizon. We had changed clothes for the reception and I had forgotten my thong, remember? It was a strange sensation to be standing there on the knoll in this condition and not laying on a bed...but it felt kind of sexy, too. I believe you thought so too, if memory serves me right, lol.
We looked at the pathway of the sunset and its heavenly colors cast straight from the horizon to us. We joked about it. We were musing about that path in "pretend" mode. Here we are now; then come our kids and careers, then come the grand kids, then comes retirement, and then, at the horizon, comes the "elderly ages". We laughed as we pictured ourselves lacking in hair and wearing dentures. We would be leaning on each other, stooped and walking slowly as we went to the dining room to eat dinner at the retirement home.
Then we turned serious. We wondered which of us would die first. We swore to each other that neither of us would be able to bear the loss of the other and have to live with that void in our life until our own death. We decided we were being maudlin. We kissed and held each other tight, and then, in the dark night as the sun had finished its decent behind the horizon, we turned to the merriment of loud voices and the music for the dancers. The mood was contagious, so holding hands, we jogged to the veranda to join the merry-makers.
Only two weeks into our marriage, you received your orders for deployment to Iraq. We knew when we married that this was a probability. Then it didn't have the reality of the actual impact of receiving those orders. It felt like a cruel joke.
Should I write to you like this, baby? Do these memories increase your loneliness and dangerously distract you from your job? Or do they make you happy and secure, knowing that I am here waiting for you, ready to pick up where we left off: passionate lovers, partners in our marriage, and best friends? Even our "skirmishes" were short-lived. We fought it out, then talked it out, then kissed it out, and tried never to go to bed angry.
My memories are always with me, but they are tinged with fear. "What if"s? Then I remember all of the prayers going up to cover you, made by those who love us, and I am reminded that God's love surrounds you, and that you "dwell in the shadow of the Almighty." You must see these things, too, so that your confidence and faith remain strong, and your courage in this war will not let you be vulnerable to the enemy.
You are my life, baby, and all of my desires for the future are founded on you. You are my now, my tomorrow, and my eternity. I will never let you go from my heart, not even for a minute, babe. Until I write again, or until I receive a call from you, I will trust in the Lord for our life when we are back together again. I am trusting every minute that He is protecting you. I love you with all of my heart.
Always yours,
A.
THE LAST LETTER
My Love,
"In your mind's eye, look at our piece of sand
at the edge of the rolling ocean.
Remember the night we kissed on that shore,
so black a night with only the stars for light?
We dashed down the beach in foaming water,
then collapsed with hoots of love and laughter."
Remember how we swam there so free of the world, alone? You undid my hair and brushed it loose, and then laughed because the breeze was stronger than my attempts to brush it back. With a gentle touch you moved your hand across my face, and taking my hair, you held it back as you kissed me over and over.
When we were done, I looked at you, and in your face, I saw your children's. My heart was hit with unspeakable pain. I knew in that second what I had tried to deny, that for your sake and theirs, this had to pass, it had to end. I felt, my darling, that I would die.
As always, my love, we said goodbye, but this time I was sobbing while letting you go. Feeling more deeply than ever before, that last embrace till you let me go, I said, "Oh, my love, I can only hate that this moment has come and this must be our last embrace. I looked into your eyes tonight, and though I wanted to deny it, I saw your children's eyes reflected there."
You nodded, for you had begun to feel the same. You just lacked the courage to cause me pain. Before we parted we agreed to try that next-to-impossible thing. We had to try to learn to be "friends." But I cried so hard, remember? I thought I would die.
Oh, my precious love, my adored love, my cherished love, time has passed and we have survived. But to survive the time coming, I had to tell you again, I love you, I cherish you, and I will die with you, only you, in my heart...You took me to the highest high and let me soar with you there until Time said, "Come back, come back to earth...come back." And still, how I miss you, oh, how I miss you, and those flights we took as I soared with you.
Remember as you look at me now that I am yours, always yours. Nothing changes in my heart as I do the thing I find most preposterous: to try to persuade myself that "we're not lovers, no, we're just friends." But let the truth be known between us now. Through all the years that lay before us, always and forever you will be my love, even as your eyes still tell me I am yours. With this marvelous secret between us, my dearest love, help me as I will try to help you, to learn together this strange thing called "Friends."
Your V.
Your V.
"Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest."
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