I miss you like CRAZY!!!! You better be missing me, too, and dreaming about me while you're propped up against a humvee.(sp?)
I was at Sugar and Papa's house the last couple of days. It was bittersweet. I love their home, so elegant, out on that knoll over-looking Monterrey Bay.
The sight of the ocean drew me out on the grounds. Naturally, I walked to the place where we stood, making our marriage vows to each other. The cypress trees are exactly the same, my love. Not a branch has changed.
I felt the ocean breeze and smelled the sea salt on it. It felt cool and fresh, and I was glad I had a sweater to throw over my shoulders. I watched the waves roll in and recede in their rhythmic way.
I was glad it was a calm day that softly filled me with an inner calm that is so rare. I only feel my emotions so calm when I watch the vast and timeless sea, and the waves that are limited by the shore. The water glistens under the light of the sun. The rocks glisten, too. The caves and recesses formed by the rocks are dark. They stir my imagination.
How far back do they go, the ones that look like caves? How deep is the water? Are there creatures dwelling there that would slither under our feet, or is the water shallow? If it's deep and we were swimming there with a snorkel and goggles, would some creature come up suddenly right in front of our faces, scaring the snorkel right out of my mouth as I would instinctively cry out with surprise and fear? I decided right then and there as I was meditating on these things, that I would never, ever go into those waters, not even with you!
By now the sun was beginning to descend to the ocean's horizon. We had changed clothes for the reception and I had forgotten my thong, remember? It was a strange sensation to be standing there on the knoll in this condition and not laying on a bed...but it felt kind of sexy, too. I believe you thought so too, if memory serves me right, lol.
We looked at the pathway of the sunset and its heavenly colors cast straight from the horizon to us. We joked about it. We were musing about that path in "pretend" mode. Here we are now; then come our kids and careers, then come the grand kids, then comes retirement, and then, at the horizon, comes the "elderly ages". We laughed as we pictured ourselves lacking in hair and wearing dentures. We would be leaning on each other, stooped and walking slowly as we went to the dining room to eat dinner at the retirement home.
Then we turned serious. We wondered which of us would die first. We swore to each other that neither of us would be able to bear the loss of the other and have to live with that void in our life until our own death. We decided we were being maudlin. We kissed and held each other tight, and then, in the dark night as the sun had finished its decent behind the horizon, we turned to the merriment of loud voices and the music for the dancers. The mood was contagious, so holding hands, we jogged to the veranda to join the merry-makers.
Only two weeks into our marriage, you received your orders for deployment to Iraq. We knew when we married that this was a probability. Then it didn't have the reality of the actual impact of receiving those orders. It felt like a cruel joke.
Should I write to you like this, baby? Do these memories increase your loneliness and dangerously distract you from your job? Or do they make you happy and secure, knowing that I am here waiting for you, ready to pick up where we left off: passionate lovers, partners in our marriage, and best friends? Even our "skirmishes" were short-lived. We fought it out, then talked it out, then kissed it out, and tried never to go to bed angry.
My memories are always with me, but they are tinged with fear. "What if"s? Then I remember all of the prayers going up to cover you, made by those who love us, and I am reminded that God's love surrounds you, and that you "dwell in the shadow of the Almighty." You must see these things, too, so that your confidence and faith remain strong, and your courage in this war will not let you be vulnerable to the enemy.
You are my life, baby, and all of my desires for the future are founded on you. You are my now, my tomorrow, and my eternity. I will never let you go from my heart, not even for a minute, babe. Until I write again, or until I receive a call from you, I will trust in the Lord for our life when we are back together again. I am trusting every minute that He is protecting you. I love you with all of my heart.
Always yours,
A.
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